Oooda Came; I Saw; Scaramouch Conquered

March 18, 2013 at 4:13 pm · Filed under DA, Hope, ODD, Relationships, Steps and tagged: adult child, anger, communication, conflict, daughter, domestic abuse, family, John 14:27, love, mother, Oooda & Scaramouch, oppositional defiant disorder, powerlessness, resources, trust, truth, wisdom

Finally, after so long, the daughter I love has come home for a visit!  The joy of that first sight, the clinging of that first hug!  Her beautiful eyes and cute new haircut!  Oh, how we’d anticipated this trip.  And, surprisingly, refreshingly, how she spoke of her longing for freedom from Scaramouch.

We had fun plans: shopping, skiing, pedicures, cooking, baking, church, and seeing aunt, uncle and grandparents.  The flowers and trees cooperate, blooming at their peak to dress up our home.  Even the weather blesses this trip.

“What is the bright globe in the clouds?  Wait, there are no clouds!  Just blue sky!”  All a contrast to the state  she’d flown away from, and a fortuitous heralding to our six days together (one for each month she’d been kept away).

I sometimes hate cell phones, hate text message capability.

His first contact, she told me, came while she was in the plane.  Blaming her for getting arrested for a ticket before he’d even met her, in a state she’d never visited, and for which he’d never appeared as ordered.  She told him that it was not her responsibility, that she’d already paid several of his tickets during their marriage, that if he really wanted her to believe he was really trying to grow up he’d take care of it himself.

“Mom,” she asked me, “did I do the right thing?”  His mom paid his bail.

Their relationship, she said, includes the laundry list of ills (DA), verbal diatribes, emotional manipulation, threats against her pet, his inability to hold a job, his damage to dwellings, his constant text-tracking of her, his stealing of her things to get money for his pleasures.

She also told me of physical separation and of divorce papers not yet sent.

We had a great afternoon before she went to see some college friends, spending the night at one of their old haunts, then joining their morning workout class.  We had another great afternoon on our deck, talking about skiing, her town and job and exciting future in a new endeavor (really a prior goal, almost destroyed five months ago, now resurrected in even better shape!).  We began baking and cooking.

His second attack began then, constant text buzzes, more trouble initiated by Scaramouch’s actions and left for Oooda to resolve.  And finally, Oooda blew up at us for something from the past.  ODD was back.  The yelling.  The crying.  The driving off.  Her attempts to conduct the fight with me via text messages.

I am grateful for the parenting program and the Steps of X.  One email back to her (I sometimes love smartphones, love that email can be read – and saved):  I would not attempt dialogue via text or email, but tomorrow, when calm, we would sit for adult, face-to-face discussion of her accusation.

Fast forward, (church, lunch, aunt, uncle, grandparents, and snow gear).  The tension and pain underlie the happy greetings and catch-up chat.

Oooda picked the scab on her emotional, infected wound in last night’s blow up, and now we must try to clean and dress it.

I barely speak one sentence before the Oooda resumes the old ODD behaviors.  I pray to stay with the parenting approach.  Remember, remember: stay calm, stay focused on the objective business and not distracted by emotions, avoid faulty logic, avoid blame, discover the genuine trigger, get to goals and actions. I’ve reviewed the note cards, I’ve prepared my script.

This bumpy attempt at getting heard came to no conclusion or agreement.  Oooda interrupted and yelled, but then she stopped herself more quickly.  I nearly got sidetracked into her rudeness and side issues, but I kept coming back to the script.  All in all, this went better than the evening before.

I took a long walk, crying, glad to see none of the neighbors.  I went home to dive into a hobby that I love and am receiving some recognition for.  I thanked God for the Bible verse sent to me that morning, the one I’d chanted to myself during the long draining hours: “‘Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.’”

In walked Oooda, quietly she laid down on the old sofa – snuggling into its worn and warm upholstery, cream, beige, green and blue, nearly as old as she is, bearing the scratch marks of two playful kitties.

All her fiery infection drained, she spoke quietly, tears flowing.  I scribbled a couple of her points to come back to after she finished talking.  When I eventually spoke, she listened.  I think – hope and pray –  she actually understood my actions that she’d been so angry about earlier.

She still resisted the tools available to her for her internal issues (Oppositional).  And, surprise, surprise, still talked about possible reconciliation with persistent, intrusive, abusive, charmingly conniving Scaramouch (Defiant).

The last 30 hours have drained us all.  No one has the energy to ski.  Who knows what other of our happy visit the con-artist will disrupt (Disorder).

I did laugh last night before going to bed –  at the last Tweet I read: aptronym: “an amusingly appropriate name” for a person.

Comments