A Foot in Two Canoes
A mom's declaration of independence and loveArchive for society
What is ODD?
What do I mean Oppositional Defiant Disorder? You’ve never heard of it? Neither had I as of last May.
After another mother-daughter battle, another emotionally abusive KO by ODD/DA, I had cried and considered on the way to work: How had ODD come to this? Why did she speak this way? Had I done that poor a job parenting her? Had her father’s alcoholism and our divorce hardened her heart that much? Was it just her – people said she was so different from me? She’d always been determined but also had a tender heart as a little girl.
Life with ODD is like walking a minefield, never knowing when she’ll oppose or to what degree she will explode. Ask her to make a salad with the ingredients I’d already prepped, and she challenged my recipe. Reply to her request for directions, and she challenged the directions I gave. She spoke sarcastically. Since middle school, she’d asserted that she was the victim of “mean” teachers and “unfair” rules and “incomplete” instructions. Tell her no and she’d explode. Her college roommates never became friends, and she always moved out. In the end, it was her way or the highway.
As I read this, she sounds spoiled, ruined by divorce, or stubbornly independent. Certainly, some adults would criticize her as poorly mannered or antisocial, burdened with unfinished teen angst. ODD sounds like a two-year-old with a driver’s license and the legal right to vote.
The flip side is how, as a three-year-old, she voluntarily gave her jump rope to a playmate who didn’t have one. In high school, she drove all over our city to distribute Christmas gifts to children in the Angel Tree program, and she gave up her spring vacations to help build homes on mission trips with her church group. In college, she kept up her grades in 15 science-heavy units, held a job to pay for most of her expenses, and was beloved by athletes she coached. Her smile could light up Broadway on New Year’s Eve.
On the car radio, above my sobs, I heard it, the discussion about parenting children with the same behaviors as ODD. Would it help with an adult? I called. I ordered. I read. I learned what Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) is:
ODD is “a pattern of disobedient, hostile, and defiant behavior toward authority figures” (MedlinePlus, National Institutes of Health: http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/001537.htm).
In fact, the DSM-III-R and other medical and psychological writings cover the syndrome in some depth. Common behaviors, they write, include actively disregarding adults’ requests, anger and resentment toward others, argumentativeness with authorities, blaming others, easily getting annoyed, keeping few friends, and lasting six months or more. In females, the onset shows up in the middle years of childhood. And, at first glance, the protests seem so much like other methods of growing up, of separating from childhood dependence on parents. But the ODD difference?
“…. But if the child protests all the time, it may be a sign of psychological disorder.… Defiant attitude toward adults and peers, hostile and aggressive behavior can cause conflict in the family and school. Therefore, it is important to know more about the oppositional defiant disorder, to be able to recognize and diagnose it in a timely manner” (Oppositional Defiant Disorder Guide: http://oppositional-defiantdisorder.net/).
And the causes? Biological, genetic and environmental factors all kick in (WebMD: http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/oppositional-defiant-disorder). Whether from injury or congenital defect, the brain may be predisposed to malfunction. Psychological problems may run in the family. Family environment often provides the catalyst. A typical child does not battle the biological or genetic propensities involved in ODD.
ODD does battle herself. She wonders why she explodes at those she loves, why she has trouble keeping friends, and enjoying housemates. She battles herself, wanting to trust others despite having been hurt by those she thought were friends. She battles the need to control, to feel stable in an unstable world. She knows she wants more serene relationships with others, and she knows that her behavior has sabotaged such serenity.
Sometimes I see her as a porcupine – barbed quills raised to protect her soft, vulnerable heart.
I love her and hurt with her struggles. Yet, because she blames, plays the victim, lies, yells, evades, and manipulates, I find her difficult to be around. I am torn and worn.
As a recent article from the parenting program said, “You’ve been waiting for your child to grow up, both in age and maturity so your relationship will be different. If that doesn’t happen, it can leave you feeling disappointed, angry, sad and cheated” (Empowering Parents: http://www.empoweringparents.com/parenting-an-adult-child-with-odd.php#ixzz2FWgQnvh3).
I do not excuse ODD’s behavior, to her or others. But, I do need to understand it, even more importantly now because her last name is DA.
© 2012
A Foot in Two Canoes 