A Foot in Two Canoes
A mom's declaration of independence and loveArchive for victim
Do I or Don’t I?
I have the book. What do I do now?
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft.
Oooda actually said that she’d like to read it.
That was last Friday, when she told me they’d been evicted. That she was going to stay with one of her co-workers, but Scaramouch could not. That her other co-workers told her Scaramouch treated her poorly. That he’d tried to get her to quit her job because he didn’t like her co-workers. That she’d had to hide her earnings because he squandered her money instead of paying bills. That she was tired of the stress he caused but felt badly because he didn’t want to live with any of his co-workers. That maybe living apart for a while would give her some peace to think.
On Sunday, she sent texts that she was busy packing, cleaning, and moving.
I’d like to send her the book, but I don’t even know where to send it.
On Monday, she sent texts that she’d look into places she could get her mail sent.
I haven’t heard from her since.
Has her phone been cut off? Has she quit this job? Has she been hurt? Has her ODD taken the upper emotion again? Has my mind stopped spinning yet? Will my stomach always lurch and thud?
Let me go back to the Steps:
1. … I am powerless over my adult daughter, ODD and victim of DA. …
2. I believe that God … can restore us both to sanity.
3. I turn her will and her life over to the care of God…
4. I admit … how much time I’ve wasted living ODD/DA’s troubles.
5. I am making a renewed inventory … of my own … dreams, and plans.
6. I am entirely ready to have God restore healthy boundaries … and to refocus on my own life.
Through the tears as I type, I try to set my mind on the job I’m applying for, on the ski day this weekend, on the folks who free my laughter, on the photography I’d like to develop, on the loving husband I’m blessed to have.
“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'”
I choose to believe that God applies this to Oooda, too. Even if I can’t see it.
And yes, when she shares an address, I’ll send the book as she has asked.
Stomp Vitalis
Oooda held the blade high, its serrated edge fading into her mental fog. Without thinking, driven only by Scaramouch’s blinding presence, she plunged it into my chest. The blade pierced the skin of my chest. She carved down, around both my heart and stomach.
Almost telepathically, as emotional control seems almost telepathic, he instructed her. She obeyed. Up came the butchering blade, and away she tossed it. Into the wound she drove both hands, digging for and finding my vital organs. Up came the heart, beating and dripping. To Scaramouch handed it she. A second time her hands drove in and dug around. Up came the stomach. To him handed it Oooda.
Oooda’s Svengali tossed them into the dirt. “Let us begin the Stomp.”
© 2013
Scaramouch and Oooda
Chapter 1 – Oooda
Once upon a time, Oooda lived with family. But Oooda did not like respecting her parents’ “No.”
When it came time to go to college, Oooda’s mother wanted her to experience dorm life for her freshman year. Oooda did not like sharing a room with one who preferred chatter to shuteye. “Why can’t she sleep when I want to sleep!”
But, she did like living away from home. So, while Oooda moved home for summer, she made clear her intention to move out as soon as she could. “I’m an adult. I have a job – I don’t like your rules!”
That fall, Oooda moved into an apartment with two others from Oooda’s hometown. But, “Their cats make messes, and they don’t clean up every day! And, they don’t like me.” So, Oooda looked for another apartment, and as soon as her current contract expired, she moved.
Oooda moved into this apartment with one other, a friend of a friend. But, Oooda did not like the more feminine ways nor the extra spending money of the roommate. “She doesn’t invite me when she goes to do things, either!” Oooda looked for another apartment, and she moved.
Oooda moved into another apartment with one other, a friend of another friend. This roommate shared her career interest. But, Oooda did not like how the other let her mother shape their apartment nor how the other spent more time with her own friends. “I can’t stay there,” she cried, “her friend has practically moved into my room already! And, they ignore me.” This time, Oooda moved out mid-contract, yielding her room to a friend of the other.
Having decided that living alone would be better than getting along, Oooda moved into a studio apartment. Oooda made friends with others in the building. But, Oooda did not like coming home to a solitary room, so Oooda rescued a puppy. At first, this worked well. Then Puppy grew big, the friends moved to a less expensive complex, and the neighbors complained. “They’re so unfair!” So, when the contract expired, Oooda moved.
Oooda found a small house with a yard. Oooda decided to share the little house with a new friend who shared Oooda’s interests, including her own dog. The dogs played happily. This was going to work!
Chapter 2 – Scaramouch
Then, Facebook introduced Oooda to a friend of a friend. They messaged each other. They talked on the phone to each other. Two weeks later, Scaramouch moved in from out of state. Days later, Scaramouch pressured the housemate to move out.
Weeks (was it only two?) after first meeting, Scaramouch drove Oooda to Reno and married her.
© 2013
What is ODD?
What do I mean Oppositional Defiant Disorder? You’ve never heard of it? Neither had I as of last May.
After another mother-daughter battle, another emotionally abusive KO by ODD/DA, I had cried and considered on the way to work: How had ODD come to this? Why did she speak this way? Had I done that poor a job parenting her? Had her father’s alcoholism and our divorce hardened her heart that much? Was it just her – people said she was so different from me? She’d always been determined but also had a tender heart as a little girl.
Life with ODD is like walking a minefield, never knowing when she’ll oppose or to what degree she will explode. Ask her to make a salad with the ingredients I’d already prepped, and she challenged my recipe. Reply to her request for directions, and she challenged the directions I gave. She spoke sarcastically. Since middle school, she’d asserted that she was the victim of “mean” teachers and “unfair” rules and “incomplete” instructions. Tell her no and she’d explode. Her college roommates never became friends, and she always moved out. In the end, it was her way or the highway.
As I read this, she sounds spoiled, ruined by divorce, or stubbornly independent. Certainly, some adults would criticize her as poorly mannered or antisocial, burdened with unfinished teen angst. ODD sounds like a two-year-old with a driver’s license and the legal right to vote.
The flip side is how, as a three-year-old, she voluntarily gave her jump rope to a playmate who didn’t have one. In high school, she drove all over our city to distribute Christmas gifts to children in the Angel Tree program, and she gave up her spring vacations to help build homes on mission trips with her church group. In college, she kept up her grades in 15 science-heavy units, held a job to pay for most of her expenses, and was beloved by athletes she coached. Her smile could light up Broadway on New Year’s Eve.
On the car radio, above my sobs, I heard it, the discussion about parenting children with the same behaviors as ODD. Would it help with an adult? I called. I ordered. I read. I learned what Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) is:
ODD is “a pattern of disobedient, hostile, and defiant behavior toward authority figures” (MedlinePlus, National Institutes of Health: http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/001537.htm).
In fact, the DSM-III-R and other medical and psychological writings cover the syndrome in some depth. Common behaviors, they write, include actively disregarding adults’ requests, anger and resentment toward others, argumentativeness with authorities, blaming others, easily getting annoyed, keeping few friends, and lasting six months or more. In females, the onset shows up in the middle years of childhood. And, at first glance, the protests seem so much like other methods of growing up, of separating from childhood dependence on parents. But the ODD difference?
“…. But if the child protests all the time, it may be a sign of psychological disorder.… Defiant attitude toward adults and peers, hostile and aggressive behavior can cause conflict in the family and school. Therefore, it is important to know more about the oppositional defiant disorder, to be able to recognize and diagnose it in a timely manner” (Oppositional Defiant Disorder Guide: http://oppositional-defiantdisorder.net/).
And the causes? Biological, genetic and environmental factors all kick in (WebMD: http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/oppositional-defiant-disorder). Whether from injury or congenital defect, the brain may be predisposed to malfunction. Psychological problems may run in the family. Family environment often provides the catalyst. A typical child does not battle the biological or genetic propensities involved in ODD.
ODD does battle herself. She wonders why she explodes at those she loves, why she has trouble keeping friends, and enjoying housemates. She battles herself, wanting to trust others despite having been hurt by those she thought were friends. She battles the need to control, to feel stable in an unstable world. She knows she wants more serene relationships with others, and she knows that her behavior has sabotaged such serenity.
Sometimes I see her as a porcupine – barbed quills raised to protect her soft, vulnerable heart.
I love her and hurt with her struggles. Yet, because she blames, plays the victim, lies, yells, evades, and manipulates, I find her difficult to be around. I am torn and worn.
As a recent article from the parenting program said, “You’ve been waiting for your child to grow up, both in age and maturity so your relationship will be different. If that doesn’t happen, it can leave you feeling disappointed, angry, sad and cheated” (Empowering Parents: http://www.empoweringparents.com/parenting-an-adult-child-with-odd.php#ixzz2FWgQnvh3).
I do not excuse ODD’s behavior, to her or others. But, I do need to understand it, even more importantly now because her last name is DA.
© 2012
Two Canoes
One canoe is the beloved adult child who has hastily wed another child/adult. All the signs point to a future shadowed by domestic abuse (DA).
One canoe is the beloved adult child whose own oppositional, defiant disorder (ODD) has made our time together a roller coaster of love and anger.
How does a mother’s life flow when she stands with a foot in each canoe?
That is what I ask of you. How do I survive this journey with ODD/DA?
© 2012
A Foot in Two Canoes 